感觉你的逻辑不是很清楚啊~~我只是改了改语法上的但觉得你整篇的结构还需要调整一下，然後，有些词句尽量使用书面一些的。
The University of Hong Kong, which I have dreamed for years, is a great place for me to broaden my vision. I can learn from the wisest experts in HKU. Moreover, HKU provides students with lots of international exchange opportunities. I dislike just reading books. I think interests are the best teachers. (不喜欢读书跟兴趣是最好的老师有什麽关系？) HKU can provide (重复) me a stage to learn what I like, teach me what I cannot acquire from the books, and help me to realize my dreams.
I want to learn engineering in the HKU. In my opinion, engineering is a subject to help people work more effectively, help society run more smoothly and help the world move forward. I think commanding (如果有名词就不要用动名词) is a technology that I have the ability to study well and find relevant jobs after graduation. In high school, I worked hard to study the basic science knowledge because I enjoy a feeling of discovering the truth. I think I have the ability to live well in Hong Kong. Used to live in my boarding school, I can live well independently. (在讲专业突然又到了生活，有些奇怪)
Concerning the future, if admitted to HKU, I will study more hard and practice my English more often, trying my best to make some achievements in my major. (可以再具体地说一点，或者跟前面有点联系，不仅仅是学习）
