那位高手能帮我批改一下雅思作文,这是本人的处女作,毛病可能很多,希望有高手能帮帮小弟彻底修改一下!

那位高手能帮我批改一下雅思作文,这是本人的处女作,毛病可能很多,希望有高手能帮帮小弟彻底修改一下!给个分数,最好能提一点实质性意见,topic:some people think music is just a form of entertainment while others think it playsmore important roles .DiscussCurrently,music has played an essential role in the general public of living .One of the best funduction is that music —classical music or modern music—can relax theirbodies and ease their minds ,even ease patients" pain .However ,some persons only define it as a form of entertainment ,while others assert that music has a deep influence to people .To some laymen ,who can not understand the theories of music or the methology of using ,music has to be regarded as amusement .They will feel relaxed hearing light music and lifeful when hot music is coming .However it has been enough to them so long as music can offer them happiness or forget worries within the rush of modern life .Of course ,many profession such as musicans and music teachers ,have different preception of music .Through professional knowledge and background ,they may realize the meaning author wants to experss so that there are getting a clear perspective of what is the beauty of living quality through releasing album .In other words ,music brings great profit to them and has been becoming an integard part of them.To sum up ,I do believe that music as a pattern of entertainment is adapted by folks ,but it must to recongnise that music does to be a significant part for special persons.我知道字数偏少,大概260多字,这个问题我会好好解决的,这个就先不算影响分数的原因吧 TO sum up 为最后一段,打的有点不清晰 我是诚心和大家交流,要的是具体的修改和改进,对于浮夸的话还是不要说得好,越真实越好